Am I a Narcissist?

My ex-gf is convinced I am a narcissist. After the breakup she wanted no contact and I have respected it. I sought therapy and have been told I am not a narcissist. How can I be sure?

You should be aware of just how widely used this accusation is now. I’m not saying you don’t have narcissistic tendencies, as most of us do at times, especially when we are suffering. But I don’t think it’s at all useful as a label unless it’s a clinical chronic affair akin to being a psychopath, which is obviously not you or you wouldn’t be asking this question. Good on you for being brave enough to investigate whether it actually was a clinical issue and seeking help.

It’s a shame for her to give this label, because no matter what you did or didnt do, we gain nothing in relationship and in breakup by demonising the other person. It is absolutely the most common thing to do, to tune in to all the mistakes and flaws in the other person. Whether these are accurate or not, its not love. It’s not how we each deserve to be seen. It’s just what people do when they are hurting.

If you look at social media, it is filled with people who are obsessed with diagnosing their significant other or ex with this or that problem, pathology or syndrome. Why?

Because in a breakup we are hurt and devastated, and we need to believe it is their fault to avoid triggering our own shame. A person giving accusations is a person who it is not safe to look at themselves and take responsibility for their own patterns. For this reason, she will repeat the same pattern. If you want to break your own patterns, forget about why shy did or didnt do anything and just honestly look at all your own patterns and understand them, the connections with your childhood, etc. Transcend these and you will have taken back control of your life.

Narcissism is not a category or box, its a spectrum of behaviour that we all fall on sometimes, especially when a very hurt person is analysing us. It is up to every single one of us to learn how to feel more and be less selfish. We do that out of love, not because someone is guilttripping, shaming, analysing, or pointing the finger at us. We notice “Oh wow, I am really always thinking about what’s in it for me.” Or “Oh wow, in sex i can only feel my own pleasure, I can’t tune in to the feeling in someone’s else’s body.” Just observe these things without judging yourself. It would be a miracle if you were raised in this individualistic society without developing normal traits of numbness, and that’s not your fault but it is something you can address. Just don’t take anything personally, gather data, take appropriate action and you will fly.

Every single one of us is born with essential goodness in us, including you.